Dear Mr Bentley;
Thank you so much for your email informing me that, as of the end of September, my utilities prices will be increasing by the tune of 42% for gas and 21% for electricity. Your considerate action in passing me this information has already given me a warm glow that will doubtless keep me cozy through the coming winter months, and it is on behalf of the elderly I would like to express particular gratitude, for they will surely benefit even more than myself.
I look forward to the follow-up email at the end of the present financial year which will inform me that your salary and bonuses have been decreased by a similar percentage; a mean value of the two should be about 30%, I would estimate. Please be forewarned that should I not receive such an email, or should I hear that, once again, your company has posted record profits for the year, you should look forward to a gift from me in the post in the form of a large packet of fresh Caribbean sea urchins. To derive full enjoyment from these, be sure to grasp the packet in both hands and squeeze as hard as possible.
Paul Graham Raven