June’s bag o’ schwag

Time flies when you’re having fun (or working constantly) – it’s that Valleyschwag time of month again! So, my second parcel of Silicon Valley promotional cast-offs turned up yesterday, and I was lucky to get it, as it was just left on the steps of my building because it was too big for my postbox. At the risk of starting another of my tirades against shoddy, lazy and altogether feckless Royal Mail employees, that’s blatantly not what you’re supposed to do with an oversize parcel. You’re supposed to leave me a card saying that it would be held at the depot for me to collect…that is, after you’ve gone to the terrible strenuous efforty of ringing the doorbell to see if there’s someone in. Which, in fact, I was. Idiots.

Anyway, I got the parcel despite it’s abandonment (the Interzone review job arrived the same morning, but was lucky enough to be of a size that my postbox didn’t choke on). So what was in it this time, eh?

Inside the USPS bag...

On the right is the poster they told us about…nice. Shame I’m half a globe away from the party. I may just have my own one here at home. There’s no burlap action this time, which was a bit of a downer (I’m a sucker for sackcloth – insert your own joke here). Instead, the stuff came in a small paper bag, of the sort our American friends carry home items from grocery stores (at least in sitcoms and stuff). More on the bag later…but what was inside? What delightful goodies have I been sent this time?

...the schwag!

Ah-ha, another T-shirt, excellent. This one is advertising ‘imeem’, who I’ve never heard of before. Nice shirt though, little instruments and cable connectors in the graphics. No doubt this one will inspire more ‘what sort of tunes do they play, man?’ type questions from my friends. Heh!

  1. Also: a pen (always handy for us library worker/writer types, you can never have too many);
  2. a convention/expo badge lanyard type thing (perhaps I’ll attach it to my wallet – that’s what all the cool kids do at the emo shows);
  3. a demo disc of music for computer games (which I’ve not listened to yet);
  4. a little dangly plastic walking-person type symbol on a string, which is now adording my mobile phone (as I assume it is supposed to);
  5. and the obligatory stickers (one of which advertises free wi-fi access, so I may have to put it in my window – then I’ll get to come home from work to find loads of hipster kids and harrassed execs parked or sat in my street hammering furiously at laptops).

Oh yes, and a very worse-for-travel fortune cookie. My fortune? No idea; the little slip inside directs me to SMS an outfit called Mozes. The number on there doesn’t seem to work for me, so I guess that’s a US- only gig, too. Selah. Good gimmick, though.

But back to the bag. The Valleyschwag crew encouraged people to ‘repurpose’ their burlap from previous care packages, so I thought I’d repurpose the paper bag from this one. Sometimes you just can’t expend the extra effort into showing genuine emotion when in the midst of a webcam conversation, right? Fear not! The ‘Webcam Emoticon Anonymity Recyclable Eco-friendly Device’ (WEAR-ED) is here to help! Let your chat-friends know how your day was without moving any facial muscles whatsoever, whether you’re happy:

ZOMFG11!1!111! I LOL'D!

Or, a bit down and miserable:

d00d, work 4am t3h suXxor.

Right; I’m off to the patent office first thing Monday morning. After all, it seems like you can patent the vaguest of ideas and then sue people out of business these days, and I fancy my slice of the easy-money litigation pie. You’ll be hearing from my lawyers.

Cheers, Valleyschwag crew!

(And, at the risk of seeming whorish, another big-up-yo’self to Linkie Winkie.)

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